Philosophy ~ a theory or attitude that acts as a guiding principle for behaviour
14 years ago in October I was married with 2 children, living in a cottage down the road from the farm where my husband worked for his parents. I was married to a farmer but not a ‘farmer’s wife’. Although it was only less than 2 miles away I hardly saw my husband Keith, from morning (if I was awake when he left) until night. My sons were 2 and 6 months at the time and I was struggling.
I have always been the sort of person that if something isn’t going well I would try to change it, form a plan and take action; if I couldnt do that alone then I would seek help to bring about that change. But I didn’t know what to do.
Not to delve too deeply into my childhood – been there seen the psychotherapist, it wasnt a good one! Therefore when I had my children I didn’t have a role model to go to for advice or a toolbox of tricks to delve into when I needed help. My second son was a difficult baby, he never slept and cried constantly, my first son was a temper tantruming mischievous two year old and daily I felt like I was losing the plot! I felt angry, I felt depressed, I felt like smacking my toddler to make him do as he was told, but I knew deep inside that wasn’t what I wanted for him or for me as a mother. I didnt want to raise my children the way my parents did me so I needed to make a change.
I found the number for a parent coach locally and I decided to pay to go and see her. It wasnt like supernanny where she told you what to do and how to do it, one size fits all, it was someone that facilitated and helped you find the answers for yourself to suit your own parenting style. One thing I have always hated is people telling me what to do, mainly because it makes me feel thick or incapable. So each week I went with a scenario a real thing that had happened at home that I had struggled to deal with. I learnt about positive language with children, explaining why the answer was no and reasoning with them, ways to cool off for us both when things got heated and little mental tools to carry around with me daily. After 10 sessions I was a calmer, more controlled parent and much happier. It was a pleasure getting up every morning waiting to see what crazy things my eldest would get up to challenge me with. I was stronger and it was all there inside of me all along.
People complimented me on how calm I was in a crisis when my sons were misbehaving I told them I had got help, how I retrained myself to be a better parent and broke the cycle between what happened in my childhood and in theirs.
The main reason I am writing about this today is that in the beginning of the sessions the lady asked me what were my principles and values and what was my vision for my family. Everytime we had a happy moment I felt like it would be the last because I was so depressed.
I remember writing My vision is ‘ A happy, vibrant family, living together and having fun with inner peace.’ I also remember thinking that that was unreachable impossible because I felt I wasn’t capable of it. That inner peace was important to me I didn’t want the house to be peaceful how could it be with 2 little boys in it; but I wanted that peace in my heart when my eldest emptied the bath water all over the floor, when he wouldnt let me put his seatbelt on in the car, when we were out shopping and he screamed all the way round the supermarket. I was armed with my inner tool kit, my positive mind and amongst the chaos outside of me I was peaceful on the inside.
I have recently found myself there again, not with 2 young boys but needing to make a change within myself, so I am going to go back to the drawing board to look again at my principles and values and create a new vision for myself and my family.