I am not perfect

I over eat, I swear, I make mistakes, my house is a mess, I procrastinate. I waste time, I am irritable, I get annoyed, I get angry, I rage. I sometimes go for a while without washing, I don’t always brush my teeth every night. I’m lazy. I don’t remove my make up before getting into bed. I am often late. I hate the things I do the most, I sometimes sleep in my clothes and get up and wear those clothes the next day. I don’t always change my socks and sometimes I wear the same underwear more than once. I snap. I overwork, I burn out. I fall out with people I cut them off never to speak to them again, I don’t have the courage to explain why for fear they may prove me wrong because I am right. I am weak, I am easily hurt, I am negative, spiteful and when I get down I feel like I go round and round in the same loop. Sometimes that loop is longer than others but I still repeatedly find myself in that trap, dissatisfied, bored or making the same mistakes. I quit, I give up, I moan. I am self flagellating. I am selfish, I think a lot about my own worries and concerns. I say unkind things I come out with really filthy offensive lines that should be kept in a Tarantino movie. I am dramatic, moody, emotional and sometimes when on a high I have an inflated ego, a higher sense of myself. I am extreme and controlling. I am wrong but I think I am right. I am scared but I act tough. I am a sinner.

And here’s the news flash all of us are. Nobody is perfect. Everybody with a new baby feels like shutting it up at least once whilst raising it. Everybody loses it, everybody cries. Everybody has a child inside of themselves that was wronged or hurt, everybody has a parent inside controlling them. Everybody does all or some of the above and more. Life is a struggle and that struggle is made harder by ourselves. We lay blame and we feel shame. Everybody sins. We are human.

The seven deadly sins explained. It is not nice or easy to admit that any of these apply to me but they do, all of them. Contemplate them yourself and see it is much easier to claim perfection than to fear retribution. But as the saying goes be sure your sins will find you out.

  • Pride
  • Greed
  • Lust
  • Envy
  • Gluttony
  • Wrath
  • Sloth

The seven deadly sins and my they are deadly because a life lived by them isn’t a life at all it is a hedonistic mishmash of events not really making any sense at all. Mindless. And the longer I live like that the longer I feel no sense of peace because life has no meaning it is empty and filled with short fixes.

I am no longer in denial.

The seven heavenly virtues which oppose these seven deadly sins are:

  • Chastity
  • Temperance
  • Charity
  • Diligence
  • Patience
  • Kindness
  • Humility

Living by these virtues is supposed to prevent temptation.

Whilst writing this I contemplated the saying I have read and heard about ‘nothing existing without it’s opposite.’ I thought but what if there is no way we can live without the sins?

But I also came across the article below which describes things existing in a spectrum rather than in opposites which I found very enlightening and indeed hopeful, because it is a choice therefore which part of the spectrum to live by. Something can exist in life but not in my life.

This answer not the one above it

https://www.quora.com/Can-something-exist-without-its-opposite-Hot-without-cold-Up-without-down-Existence-without-non-existence

I also found the chart below whilst researching the sins, it explains the behaviours performed in relation to the sins very clearly, in no particular order. It’s the external evidence that they do exist. I have given credit to the author for this below.

https://designbysketchie.wordpress.com/2015/05/24/seven-deadly-sins-seven-heavenly-virtues-poster/comment-page-1/#comment

Knowing what the sins are is not enough to change, awareness of how and when I sin is a start, what I am motivated by to do it, what is driving me? But that is still not enough, feeling guilt or shame is not enough and it often causes me to sin again. I find that especially with food I over eat – sin – guilt- shame – eat again – sin! Wanting to change is not enough. But Commitment is.

Making a commitment mentally and physically perhaps writing it down too or telling someone. (That’s what happens in AA) By really committing to something we must stick at it unwaveringly, with fixed purpose and undeviating intention. Without true commitment we fail, we falter and we return to sinning. Why? Because it’s easier and its habitual but it’s especially because it’s more enjoyable. Commitment should be a definite decision it should mean forever. I remember my mum telling me that when she married my step father she thought if it goes wrong I can always get out, she did eventually get divorced 15 years later but I am not saying that was her fault it was increasingly more difficult to live with him, it always had been. So I am not saying it’s all going to work out or happen easily I am not saying life won’t make it impossible for me to continue with my plans but it is better to do something than nothing. To make a determined effort does not mean trying it before you buy it either. Trying isn’t properly doing it, that’s playing at it, dipping a toe in instead of going in full throttle. And that is where all the effort takes place. Because we have come to see trying as an admirable quality it seems like that’s enough but it won’t be in fact it is much easier to try than it is to properly commit. Trying isn’t investing and it isn’t showing 100% commitment.

I found an article below that also came to the same conclusion

http://www.boxingscene.com/motivation/8637.php

Nothing worth having is easy I truly believe that so I am preparing myself for a rough ride, an exorcism in fact.

I haven’t committed yet but it is my intention to. There are some things I am going to truly struggle with the Gluttony is the easy one I’ve tackled that before but whilst writing that here I am actually over weight so perhaps me and temperance regularly divorce and it’s easy to slip back into old bad habits. But Pride is going to be the most challenging. It is said to be the deadliest of sins and the root of all sin.

What I must remember also is that whilst I am a sinner I do also demonstrate many of the virtues listed, all of the virtues apply to me, just as the sins do, I am all of them and the opposite of them. I do try to live by them and often I do it automatically without thought because it is part of me.

Whilst I am all the negative traits in my original list I am the opposite too. I can be patient and kind, generous and clean. I can be tidy and nurturing. But not consciously! That is the difference between commitment and mindless living and just breezing through life.

Life should be treasured more than any other possession for it is ultimately all we have, without it I am nothing. So I am thankful for my life and I intend to treasure it and the people that I have given life to and committed to. Think less of myself and more of them.

If anybody has any vague interest in what I am talking about I have found some very interesting articles along the way if you would like to research further

https://www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2015/jan/12/seven-deadly-sins-garth-jennings

https://ajps.org/2013/12/10/pride-the-deadliest-sin/

I played a game the other day in the car just to turn my thoughts upside down I called it “What if I’m wrong?” I picked real life scenarios, the ones where I feel I am justified in my behaviour or have ranted about and contemplated ‘What if I am wrong?’ Not easy, probably pointless but it was a reminder that there is no real truth, only what we believe and perceive ourselves.

I am reminded daily of the Serenity Prayer I have said that in the past and I say it to myself in times of need. In times when I struggle to accept it helps me practise patience and helps me to carry on.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference

And this is the beginning of humility for me. Knowing that I am not unique or special but only human and like others I think thoughts others do and live the way others do. I am not perfect, I sin and I will sin again but I commit to change.

Confession closed

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