I had always been searching and I had absolutely no idea what I was searching for.
I didn’t know what I was looking for and I didn’t know where to look. But somehow I always felt like there was this something that I was supposed to be doing and whatever it was I wasn’t doing it yet.
Have you ever had that thought? That there was something missing? I have felt it for what seems like forever.
I grew up without my dad and I always wondered if that was it. As if I had this memory, which I couldn’t remember, but the memory had never actually happened so there was no way I could put that memory back in.
I didn’t know what it was which could fill the space but I began searching anyway and then I began doing something, anything, and then I did something else and I kept on thinking that if I just did this one thing, achieved this next goal then that would be it. Search over.
But it never was.
Whatever I filled the space with, job after job, thing after thing, self help book after self help book. Religion after religion. Practise after practise…it didn’t work, the space and the search still existed.
I filled the quiet with noise.
I filled the time with doing.
I filled the emptiness with a drink or two.
I filled the space with food.
I filled it with exercise.
I filled the silence with chatter.
I made myself fitter, more intelligent, I added to myself.
I wanted peace but I couldn’t find that either; and since I was always searching so strongly there was no time for peace.
On occasions I chose peace but then I filled it with thought.
I was still missing something but what I didn’t realise was that the something I was missing was right there all of the time.
All that searching and the space which was already there was supposed to be there.
What is it?
It is something that is not manifest, only through life so to describe it is very very difficult.
One way to describe it is divine consciousness.
Essentially it’s what we are, our true self.
Not self as we know it, no relation to that at all.
We are this indescribable thing.
I thought I knew what I thought myself to be, but I didn’t know anything at all.
I didn’t know my true being.
And I didn’t know anyone else’s either because we are all the same and we are all of this.
The moment I experienced this realisation, it wasn’t brief. It wasn’t a thought. It wasn’t a feeling. It was reality.
I think it is a gift in this instance that I am raw in terms of my knowledge and experience of spirituality. I am relatively unpractised in meditation, I haven’t read many spiritual books or listened to any other teachers.
So this wasn’t an idea of something I thought I was experiencing because I had no prior knowledge of it. This isn’t something which became a dream or another thing to do; this experience was a complete change of my understanding of the world and myself and it lasted for well over a week.
A state of pure bliss.
I had awakened.
I couldn’t dislike anyone because I was them, and they were me.
I felt peace and joy in every moment, I saw it in everything.
I felt pure love.
I experienced it inside of myself and outside of myself.
Life wasn’t life anymore.
I saw the point at which death and life meet, they were not separate anymore.
I thought often I must be going to die because I had often thought I would have to die to feel so peaceful.
I felt as if I was seeing everything for the first time and I knew this was reality and it was everything and everyone.
Life is One.
Life is Everything.
Everything is everything else.
I thought it was here forever.
And then the experience stopped.
I returned to myself and I felt very very strange indeed as if I had just landed on the Earth. But I remembered I knew. I felt new. A huge shift had occurred within myself and outside of myself and outside of that, infinitely I felt like something was smiling; and then a feeling of –
Not that I felt compelled to do anything specific about it at all, the search had gone.
I knew I had to surrender and accept what was to be in this very moment knowing what I now knew.
It wasn’t easy, somehow I felt both easy and uneasy.
I began to eat, and eat, I began to fill the gap, I was very much back in the body.
My ego was having a field day. It raised up in anger at the thought of being extinguished. I say the thought because ultimately it can’t be extinguished, but I also was detached from it, I could see it behaving like this and that and I knew I didn’t have to identify with it anymore.
I went to hairdressers I had absolutely no clue why I was there because I wasn’t bothered, it seemed so ridiculous to be having my hair done. I made the right noises when it was done ‘Thank you, yes, that’s lovely” I had let my self go. Not that I had given up it had just fallen away.
What I am describing here is not an out of body experience because I have experienced that. This was not like that at all. It was seeing, truly seeing, without the veil of our trappings.
Previous to this experience things had been aligning for some time. Duality, oneness, peace, presence, timelessness, rhythm, space, silence, stillness. Knowing and wisdom.
Every moment seemed like the first.
I remember trying for a baby my first child took two years to conceive, my last child took three. On both occasions when I became pregnant it was when I had stopped trying to become pregnant. I had let go of the stress of it, my mind fell away. That’s how I have felt this year my old self and my thinking mind falling away. A surrender and a letting go of past conditioning and a willingness to express myself from deeper within.
The longest and most exciting journey is the journey inwards ~ Stanislavski
I recently was recommended to listen to a teaching by Adyashanti by my teacher Jane, and found out that what I had experienced was Awakening, but also accompanying it was an extreme state of being and it was just that, a state, and that state wasn’t going to stay that way forever.
The awakened knowledge remained without the sunshine and the rainbows. Not everyday anyway.
I have allowed my ordinary life to return, accepted it as what is remembering what it truly is and is not. There is no returning to normal, on the surface yes but intrinsically no.
Do I want to go back?
That would be about altering my present state.
I can’t return to anywhere because I am already here.
I have arrived and for now I continue life knowing what I know doing what I usually do.
Turning the wheel.
How can I describe the indescribable?
It was huge.
I felt the expansive brightness and warmth of the whole sun, the whole of the sun was inside of me beaming out in its magnitude.
There was also the minuscule detail so small I couldn’t see it but I knew that was divine too.
I experienced depth and swam in the deepest ocean with a Mantra Ray and visited the inside of a volcano. All in a conscious state of being.
I have awakened from the sleep I was previously in.
I feel no attachment to the story of my life anymore, a release of drama, it doesn’t matter.
I only tell of this to explain to the maybe one person, who is sincere or many who are still seeking, to reassure them that it is all real.
It is all truth.
It is possible.
It is a miracle.
I have no need to search anymore because I have seen it, and once it is witnessed it can’t be unseen.
What do I now?
I have absolutely no idea, I laugh as I write that.
But the difference is, I am with this and I surrender to what is in the present moment.
Doing nothing in particular.
Allowing the unity of consciousness to move through me.
Relaxing into the next stage of the process.
Harmonising and clearing.
The beginning of being.