At first there was nothing.
Then came duality, the juxtaposition between all that is and me.
There was the knowledge of God, the Universe and at times belief, but I clung to the belief and acted out the belief, this wasn’t truth. I had no true sense of all that is which was outside of myself.
I remember hearing, or maybe not, reading, many years ago that Jesus isn’t in anything which we seek, he is that’s how it is. I have no idea where that came from but I remember thinking I knew better and carried on. I thought life was about chasing the joy, chasing the highs and ultimately the search for happiness. When I first witnessed the truth it was in the trees moving. I felt they were speaking to me, I truly felt there was life outside of myself, I was 35. I remember experiencing that or rather I witnessed myself experiencing that.
I didn’t realise I had also been shown a glimpse of that many times before, for years previously in fact, but I didn’t know what that was and I was very afraid of the unknown. I didn’t welcome it at all because it manifested in depression.
I would go as far as to say all my bouts of mental illness were FEAR. It was fear of the unknown because I had no concept of what I was experiencing I tried to understand it but only from a perspective from which I couldn’t ever understand it, that perspective was thought, that perspective came from the mind, and the mind wanted to get out of it.
Two years ago I felt for the first time what I will term as oneness. During a random moment one summer morning I was returning from taking the cows out to the field and in that moment, which seemed to expand into a time which wasn’t time, I was the moment. Time didn’t exist anymore, I felt the rhythm of life like a heartbeat and I realised all that, which I thought was outside of myself was also inside of myself. We were one and the same. It felt like I had seen an opening to somewhere else and it was something I had never experienced before.
Later on that same year I experienced a mental breakdown. The signs were not enough, I had to completely break down to become a fraction of myself. I had no thoughts I was just existing: getting up, working, making a meal, going to bed. The only thoughts I had were of suicide. I cut myself off from the world, I know now I had to cut myself off from the world to cut myself off from myself. And there in almost solitude, I began to hear.
Duality outside of myself and inside of myself. Then came Oneness. I have recently begun experiencing the duality only inside of myself.
How can this be?
Last year I experienced what it means to be awakened, I experienced a state of awakening but as yet not yet fully awakened. I know that now. However I also know that although it doesn’t actually disappear, oneness appears like the sun so sometimes I can’t see it or feel it but it is always there.
I am at moments awake, and at moments not.
To be awake all of the time I will have to let go of myself and all that that means.
I feel I am entering the unknown, I have been prepared up until now and I will have to deal with my inner shadows.
I must act without hubris, set only intentions which correlate with the place from which I am operating, now and eventually forever. I am tested every minute of every day to be true to the truth and the values from which I have been called to work from.
I have no idea what this will look like. I have no idea what I am being called to do.
For now I continue daily from where I left off the day before.
When someone seeks,” said Siddhartha, “then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.